S Been a while

 Well it has been a while since I last got on here :) Since April I have  stopped all communication with Brian just couldnt do it any more he hurt me & lied to me & well some things are hard to forgive & just move on so I figured I'd just Let GO of everything & start anew :)  Thats just a smidge for now :)

A NEW Day

Well today was a New day & went pretty smoothly i think :) it was 9 days since I last saw Brian & we went out to dinner just He, Makenzy & I & everything went smoothly :)  Last sunday a week ago was rough for me I didnt have much contact with him & I sat with Joni & Mike @ church I just didn't want to be close to him... 

             Emily had a Dream & told me about it after service she said God came to her & told her to tell me NOT to worry that where I am in my life was RIGHT where he wants me to be & that I dotn need to worry  WOW! this news felt SO GREAT to me! & was just what I needed!



     Well on Wed Brian txt me I had not responded to ANY of his previous txts that week yet & asked if I wanted to go to Ruby tuesday I didnt txt bk & he called n my way home & asked if i wanted to go & i said not really.. & asked who was going he said it would just be us 2 & i tild him I had already made plans & he got upset & got off the phone.. when I got home that night the things I had ordered from pampered chef were at the house that he had dropped off along with my House key okay... I wasnt sure what to think  BUT it was okay just something else that I knew was going to happen eventually
SO tonight we talked about it & about him keeping Makenzy & trying to make a schedule & need to set boundaries when it comes to her & our relationship I REALLY want him to be a part of her life I dotn feel like it would be fair to her for me to cut him out completely he has been such a Positive influence for her & she NEEDS a positive male role model & as far as our talk Brian is leaving all of this up to me.


 I just want God's will  as he has done in the past 2 months he sure has shown me!  :)
 All I can do is continue to read the bible & need to do that a lil more than i have & I talk to GOD & Pray often for him to give me strength to get through all of this 


 Philippians 4:13

 ALSO today Emily took pics of me & Mak I'm SO EXCITED! we have not had pics together "just us" since 2008! I can't wait to see them!


♥ Have a good night all :)






     

AMERICAN GIRL!!

   Well today was the AMERICAN GIRL FASHION SHOW!! & Makenzy was a Bitty baby MODEL! :) I had bought tickets a while back for Me, Mom, & Brian Before all of this stuff happened so He went today too... It was awkward for me I don't guess I was in the best of moods anyway I have been trying to distance myself a little more from him this week & he started talking about going to a club last night & It just made me mad! I shouldnt be but still I hurt some I REALLY wish this didn't take SO long to get over someone! We went to lunch after the show was Me, Brian, Mom, & Mak HE had invited us out the day before or suggested us going I should say so I though HE was going to pay WRONG! lol not that it matters... Tonight Makenzy & I went out to Logans to a Birthday party ♥ we met up with some fellow Epicans & had a good time :) This was the first sat  have had off in FOREVER!!!  Well Have a good night :) tomorrow is CHURCH & then picking up Mak from Brian & seeing some friends HOPEFULLY it wont be too awkward like today :)
 ♥'n my princess!!!

Me, Mak & My MAMMA ♥

Things ARE getting BETTER

Well things ARE getting BETTER :) Fri & Sat Brian went on a retreat with the church & on SAT I got off work early went to Bridgestreet & got me some new Jeans :) then went & picked up Pat then Met Joni & Got Tatted UP!  I got Faith Hope Love on my right wrist & I LOVE IT!!! This is my FOREVER reminder than NO matter what Happens in my life I KNOW GOD will be here for me! (i'll Post a pic later ;)  ) then Pat & I went out to Priceville & Decatur & then went to Waffle House! HAD to have a WAFFLE!! Then EPIC sunday morning :) the new renovations they did are AWESOME! the pastor said something about flowers  & I looked at Pat & said where r my flowers? lol WEll... Wed I got my flowers :)  ♥    Brian picked up Mak sunday night from her dad & kept her so I could go meet some girls for a bit :)  MAK said sat night when I talked to her she had a secret w her dad (not cool!) SO sunday when I picked her up I asked her about it evidently her dad & his wife got into an argument which they do all the time when she is there April has even told Mak SHE is the reason they argue :( AS IF Mak isnt going through enough right now? I called Mikey & he ended up hangin up on me after I got a not so nice txt message that he denied & he called & asked  when her next appt was he could go to I'm TIRED of babysitting him & if he wants to know when it is he can call  & ask  (sorry dude! not married 2 u n e more!)  anyway monday  I had a class at Epic & Learned some new things :) & met a couple of new people including a lady Brian had gone camping with sat night she said she thought I ended things UH NOPE! so Monday came & went that night Brian was supposed 2 go camping with friends TUESDAY i find out on of those friends was his Ex NOT that I should mind n e more BUT COME ON! he could have at least told me ahead of time right? (( It is getting better))..... SO I get upset & he finds it hard to console me anymore I say just put ur arms around me & tell me it will b okay & he did         WED he was wanting 2 camp out in the neighbors back yard in his tent.... he txt me said it may rain I said I might melt he took me as a smart ass & so I had NO more contact with him till thurs morning  I went out with a friend JUSTIN who let me shoot his SKS Chineese assault rifle about 2 years ago & had someone to talk to had  couple of drinks didnt stress about n e thing came home & went to bed just fine :)   My neighbor & I have started walking every mornin :) 1 mile after taking mak to school we walk & I get ready & go to work :)    Tonight  Brian picked up Mak from school for me & had her ready for bed when I got home a freind Faron invited us to the daily brew to see him sing & play his ukeleili  yeah Idk how 2 spell it lol so Mak & I went we had a good time I have REALLY enjoyed the last few days just trying to let everything go it seems like it is getting easier & I am happier because of it   & I am meeting more people & getting out a little more & LOVE IT!!!



This has been a BIG change for me but I know I can get through it alright I have been reading the Bible more & Just Praying & talking to God more I am by NO means Perfect & I have a LONG way to go in my Faith BUT I KNOW GOD is with me he LOVES ME he will NEVER leave me & WON'T LIE to me & I AM a BETTER person Because of Him!! ♥  Pat & I talked about getting Baptised next time they do it... Never know :)


  Well thanks for reading my Rant again! It is all coming together ♥ me ☻

   
       Hope
       Faith   
       Love

Another night

              Well last night we talked some (I mostly cried) but thats to be expected I'm just emotional & I SWEAR I took my MEDS! lol I have been on & off Medicines for my being stresed for years literally off & On but in the past few months with everything going on with makenzys dad & court I have felt I would b better off if I just broke down & took something for stress & I think it has helped as long as I take it EVERY DAY! & it helps for work too :0) working with the public can be hard even if you DO love your job! ♥ {{ Coffee Break}} Well everything went okay I just had questions to ask like about how he was able to give another person closure but not me I dont know if I even want closure honestly because I do LOVE him I'm still so confused he has this sense of wanting to make people happy right now & feel like he loves everyone & showing everyone Love he is still helping us with a bill & i'm helping him with one but what if he changes his mind & i'm not ready? & he said he would help with the yard (mak & I have Allergies) & last year he paid someone to do the yard all summer so we would have more time together.. I can tell him that I still Love him & he says show me (not so bluntly) but here I am thinking i NEED to let go he has already said he does not Love me I cant make him love me & he says well I loved you before Loved you once well If that doesn't put me in a pickle IDK what well Isn't that like the False Hope thing I thought about the other day? SERIOUSLY? you want to say you dont love me any more that you DID but dont now just as a "FRIEND" & THEN say you say you love me so what do people do when they love someone? I say Fight & he says well there you go.... Can u see my utter FRUSTRAION?
   I HATE stressing over everything!!!
He is not wearing the ring Makenzy & I gave him I just cant seem to take mine off even if I put it on the other finger it doesnt fit the same at all my left hand has had a ring or silver band on it in the same size for literally 15 years my skin is made to have something there... Maybe I need to go shopping for the I don't love you any more It's time to make yourself feel better ring lol like the right hand ring. the 15 years start when I had a silver band I bought at the mall one day I still have it & only took it off when Brian gave me a spin ring I tried to have the band re done but it is cracked now :( & pretty much un fixable
 But what would you do? you have someone you Obviously LOVE spent 2 years with & they come out &  say MY WHOLE life I have LIED last night he said when we first go together he was seriously thinking about Moving to australia before we started talking then we me online & talked for a bit then Met in Person one night & the FIRST thinghe did after my friend left was strip all of his clothes off He said last night he did that to push me away & i stayed then the next weekend I had went & had a drink & took a pain pill all in like 30 min (yes I know not smart & this was the last time I have just taken a pain pill for no reason & drank bc i wanted to) I went to the hospital to see my cousin & Passed OUT literally just FELL out in the ER floor OMG i felt like SHIT!! SO i had to call Brian to pick me Up & take me home & got Pissed when he wouldnt stay with me when I felt like shit he basically said ok ur home I'm leaving (still remember exactly what he was wearing I was so pissed)  another time he had stayed over the house he was sick to his stomach & I told him i didnt care i wanted him to stay over & he crapped the bed here I am ASLEEP & he wakes me up saying he dont roll over I think u need to get up well he crapped the bed there was a roll of toilet tissue next to the bed I handed it to him moved over & went back to sleep till he got out of the bathroom to change the sheets & NOW he says it wansnt an accident he was trying to get me to break things off with him I just think he"s crazy & that was what drew me to him itn the first place he was different & I needed a NEW Beginning Granted it didnt have to be a crazy one but I was so drawn to him because of his attitude to everything he was so out going & I'm so NOT event though I'm trying to get there now :)  (( My wrong doing? I saw him as a CHALLENGE he had NEVER been in a long relationship before never really tied down before & I got him & kept him sounds bad though he was a challenge that I couldn't keep I dont even know If i have told him this or not lol ))
  Then he says he asked me to marry him because everyone kept asking when he would propose & the ONLY reason he proposed at G's is because I would go eat there with my Boss who is a guy I am NOT attracted to (you dont mix business & pleasure I got a story about that too) Brian was upset we would always go to G's to eat it was close to work & has good vegetables SO last night he said he proposed to me there so maybe I wouldn't go out to eat with boss man there anymore.... IDK All of the SO calle LIES are adding up to me now the more he spits them out I have ALWAYS 100% TRUSTED Brian ALWAYS & I have NEVER been able to do that with anyone before & now he says he LIED so much I'm afraid I'm going to have trust issues with anyone else because of what he has put me through EVEN if everyone IS totally Different.

 He says if I ever nee to get out he"ll stay & watch makenzy for me there is NO WAY I can tear the 2 of them apart he is Like a Father to her even if she has one already who is a Weekend dad she literally sees him 3 days a month 3  days!! BUT it is all HIS choice if he made the effort things would be different

 I'm stuck with the sayings   " It could ALWAYS be worse "
and    "Everything Happens for a REASON!  "   

Those things are SO easy to say & I say them all the time ♥ but living it is the hardest ♥


Thanks if u made it this far today ♥ I kind of feel sorry for you & my randomness but I am TOTALLY LOVING THIS BLOG thing even if NO ONE EVER reads it it still makes me feel better :)

I LOVE my life even if things are hard & I Over analize EVERYTHING I wouldnt change ANYTHING even I if I could everything I went through in my yesterdays has made me who I am today Hence it could always be worse & Everything happens for a reason :)

 ♥♥ me!!

Another day

Well today was another day I went to work & took some Vintage portraits & had some fun ♥ tonight was our life group meeting I took off work early to come home & help Brian get the food ready we took a fruit pizza It was SO good!! I just felt so distant from him.. Last night I went to Applebees with Joni & Mike we had a drink & did some Easter eggs for Epic Brian txt me while at work 7 told me he was not mad but woud rather know if I'm going ot be out drinking. Why did I get him to watch Makenzy you ask? Because He said he would If I ever needed to get out of the house which is EXACTLY what I'm trying to do right now Friday I went to BAM Sunday we went with Michael & Robin out to a mexican restraunt with the girls which was okay Brian picked up Me & Mak at the house & dropped us off after dinner I am getting a little more used to him not being here this morning i got aggrivated & got some of his things & put them together in the back bedroom so all he has to do is pick them up & go... I het to feel mad about everything the last 6 weeks have HURT very BAD & I HONESTLY dotn thinkhe understands what he has done to me! SO tomorrow we are supposed to "talk" IF i can compose myself enough not to just absolutely BURST into tears like I did this morning & last night not everything triggers me but he wrote his ex & said that he needed to give her closure well where's MY closure? you kow the person you have been withthe last 2 years? you knwo the one whos' daughter is in love with you & you wrote me note on FB that you took off your ring I gave you & also changes your status on FB okay I SWEAR I'm NOT crazy it is only a THING a status but because I told you i needed closure you keep on hurting me more... he is still helping with bills & takes out the trash & said he will help with the lawn I'm just confused what am i supposed to think about ANYTHING that he is doing? I'm not trying to complain here honestly but TALK TO me about this stuff!  & he told me in a FB message (that is a easy way for me to communicate) he is moving into an apartment & getting a massage table? yeah not going there right now...... well I've vented enough or complained enough I'm exhausted I couldnt go to sleep last night & stayed up a while reading Psalms :) I THANK GOD EVERY DAY FOR GIVING US EPIC I COULD NOT DO THIS IF I HADN'T MET THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO DO NOTHING BUT TAKE ME IN & LIFT MY SPIRITS
 MY PROBLEMS ARE INSIGNIFICANT COMPARED TO WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND ME I JUST NEED TO GET THROUGH THIS  & WITH GOD BY MY SIDE I KNOW I WILL♥