Another Stormy night

Well tonight it is supposed to get rough (weather) I HATE storms! Never liked the thunder or lightning at ALL! well except for this one time when Daddy took us girls to Ohio & the lightning was blue & green & red it was AWESOME so thats the only time i like it you mention a Tornado & i'm going to be on edge till it stops raining & the clouds go AWAY!!  Today I talked to someone at work she asked the question When am I getting married... well..... I can't lie  SO I end up telling her that we are not getting married & have decided to be friends & he has made the decision to go to Australia bc he feels thats where God is telling him he needs to go & he has ALWAYS wanted to travel & of course I knew that but when we got together it just didnt work  in his plans. his plans were to be with Makenzy & I & we ended up engaged  THEN she came out with the whole ((if you love them let them go & if they come back it was meant to be)) thing & all I can think is I REALLY did not need or want to hear that right now I'm JUST now getting where I don't bust out in tears talking a little about it ( I told my Great grandmother Wed. & I got my mom to tell my grandparents since she was going to see them & Nana was going to pick up Makenzy from school on Wed I hated for Mak to say something & them not be prepared to talk to her about it) & then Yesterday I met my Uncle (dad's Brother) for lunch which was nice it has been a LONG time since we had time together too.  I wish Daddy was still here & wonder what he would say to me we werent very close but I do remember talking to him about my Ex husband one time I dont remember what about I think it was a Van daddy had given Mikey the money for & Mikey didnt deliver & Daddy told me to keep the money or something IDK it was a very long time ago. ANYWAY  WHY do we do that? why do we tell people to let go? & they may or may not come back? WHY have FALSE HOPE?  I really dont want to have that mentality at all It has been rough  to think of going from "Being in a Relationship" to being "Friends" But  I mean what does it Really take away? You have to be best friends with someone to get along  & be Married there is a saying I put on Pictures sometimes "After all these Years we're Still Best Friends" It's too cute :)  But you can be best friends & not be married I guess it is the whole Ok I'm going to spend the REST of my life with this person & now I'm not & we are going to be Best Friends so The only things we have taken away from our situation is the Intimacy & we do not "live" together 24/7 which in turn has taken away the arguments about the petty things Of course NOW after taking that HUGE step backwards you can see how PETTY some things were

Sometimes I think i'm too random I guess I just needed to get on here & write A bit One day I'll post this & n e one who wants to know what has been going on will read it if you get this far I'm sorry lol Just  little venting does me good If you want to call it venting ♥ One day I'm goint o get on here & think I was crazy to write/ type n e thing I have NEVER done this before or tried to document anything my life & just hope it will help me come out of my shell a little more. It is something when the Preachers wife even says i'm a Turtle lol (or have the turtle personality anyway :)  it's okay I like turtles :)   )

♥ me

The way we Began...

We met on Myspace & with a few crazy messages back & forth & him moving & not being able to log on to Myspace we talked on the phone (I still have Messages saved on my home answering machine of him singing & my cell phone how crazy am I? they make me laugh) & decided to meet on February 6th & go see a Movie He's just no that into you . Well A friend of mine was at the house & let him in she said her hello's & left when she left he started taking his clothes off saying he thought we would be more comfortable if we both got naked first NOT! as I stand there with my hands up in front of my eyes so I couldn't see anything (I SWEAR i did NOT look!) telling him he needed to put his clothes back on so we could go to the movie & he did & we got to leave he opened my car door for me & I'm thinking i"m crazy for getting in the car but leave anyway. we get to the theater & he tells me I can go first & i pay for my own ticket & he pays for his (yes crazy i know) & then he asks me if I want anything to drink Hello I just paid for my own ticket I'm not getting my own drink too so I say no & he gets himself some candy.. me? not happy he does comfort me in the movie though :) after the movie we went to a park where the picture was taken & shared our first kiss & about 2 weeks later He met my daughter Makenzy & they have been best friends since & so have he & I we have done so much together & gotten to take trips with his family & we took a trip to the Beach just the three of us

Not counting all of the other trips we have made locally On our 1 Year anniversary we had a Wedding to go to friends Brian & Aprel were getting Married so we made a whole day of it getting all dressed up Hair & Makeup & clothes we went out for lunch & then to the wedding then we picked up Makenzy & went out for Desert 3 months later on March 11, 2010 he Proposed & then the lease was up on his apartment so he moved in with Makenzy & I

Yep that picture is a story all it's own too we went to lunch at G's LOVE the food but don't go to the bathroom there lol It's a mom & Pop Soul food restraunt close to work so after I saw the ring & he asked the question all I could say was AT G'S? & of course said Yes this picture was captured by a friend of mine that joined us for lunch & my surprise proposal He had never been there to eat & thought it was like a more upscale restraunt because my co workers & I  would eat there a lot during lunch. But I was happy & goodness knows Makenzy was happy look at her face! oh & I was wearing my necklace & earrings he bought me for our anniversary too :)
 On October 19th we went & reserved the chapel for the wedding & we had the agreement we would start planning more after my Christmas rush at work was over in January ...we have always had times where we would disagree like everyone does it is just one of those times & he would tell me things that i did that would bother him & I HATE confrentation so much I cant even spell it right. then I worked 7 days a week to get through Christmas & i just kept ignoring everything that was going on lying to myself that everything was going to be okay & that nothing was wrong we would be fine & look where I am now...

This was Christmas Unforgettable because it SNOWED! & Brian left my lights on in my car so it wouldn't start lol thank goodness for battery chargers! :) & Thank goodness for a day off for me after working so much! this year was the FIRST time EVER i had to use bengay I hurt so bad some days it was hard for me to go up stairs & hurt to even walk after working so much I can say it was worth it when the OT pay kicked in but it really hurt our relationship we didn't get to see  each other much & this was my 4th Christmas at Olan Mills & this time i had a little more responsibility with 2 camera rooms & double the customers By the time we hit
new years he told me he didn't want to talk about us getting married or having kids on New years so needless to say that sucked...

Okay so we took Makenzy  out to the Space & rocket center before school started back & we had a good bit of fun together then we went out to Landry's to eat Lunch :)

 

This is why I think he's crazy he came up with the idea to build snowmen all over town & out the Epic T-shirts on them another memorable day for us though:)

 & These Pictures show how good Brian & Makenzy get along :) Best Friends & he's Captain Homework.
These were taken at the Chick Fil A Father Daughter Dinner they had & of course I went too :)













   January 20th he moved out or began to anyway.... Then on February 4th we had a Blow out to say the least & it was Horrible so by the time we got to our Anniversary 2-6-11 our 2 year anniversary I went to pieces when friends told us Happy anniversary & cried 1/2 way through church THAT is the day EVERYTHING changed IV talked about LYING  It was a strong service & he Dared everyone not to lie the following week  Have YOU ever REALLY tried it?   That night after Makenzy was in bed asleep Brian & I sat down on the couch & he told me that he did not Love me anymore that he had before but did not any more all I could do was sit there as he held me & Cry It has been one of the hardest moments I have ever gone through. Our next step was to go to the Preacher Iv & his Wife Bene' on Valentines day so we would have someone to talk to we pretty much just talk to each other I pretty much just talk to Brian & not really anyone else & haven't felt like I could REALLY talk to anyone else I am REALLY trying to tap into what God has given me I bought a Bible & bought another & gave it to Brian for Valentines day & he carries it everywhere with him. I am so glad he is Happy & am really trying to come to terms  to us just being Friends... also I found out on Valentines day that Brian wants to travel to Australia not really a HUGE shocker because he has always talked about traveling but since I thought our life goals were the same get married & be a family here it is hard to accept the thought of him leaving at the end of the summer ALL of this is hard right now I am Heartbroken that the person I LOVE does not love me & wants to be "just Friends" that today is the 20th & only 14 days ago I was engaged to marry this person I know everything happens for a reason  & GOD has a plan for my life & Makenzy's & Brian's & evidently it is not for us to be together it's just all hard to take in even 2 weeks later... Thats all for tonight ♥


 Well today was Presidents day & Mak had to go to school BUT we went & checked her out to spend some time together just the three of us  like we usually do & we went to Cahoot's in Hartselle to eat it is a very eclectic place to eat there are antiques all over the place & TONS of random stuff to see & take pictures of & while we were in downtown we took time to talk to Makenzy too about what was going on she's a VERY smart girl she knew things weren't prefect we would walk & talk a little & go inside a shop & look around we got to a bench & sat down for a few moments & I told her that we were not going to get married & she said she knew that we took a minute & cried together there on the bench just she & I & I told her everything would be okay While in downtown I bught us a sign to hang in the house that says PRAYER CHANGES THINGS not quite sure where we will put it yet buy we'll find it a place :) we have not told her that Brian is going to go to Australia yet just one thing at a time is all I can handle & I don't want to overwhelm her right now maybe it is just me I'm not ready to even think of letting go I can handle okay the not getting married part & the friends part because he IS my BEST FRIEND but the moving away in about 5 months is still a little much to take in right now    Makenzy mentioned this was the third time she has been through this & t makes me feel awful  her dad & I did not get along & got divorced when she was 4 & then I got in a rough relationship that was abusive mentally & some physically & we argued & it was NOT good for Makenzy to have been around & when I ended that relationship I ended ALL ties no contact whatsoever with her or me & to this day it has stayed that way & I plan to keep it that way & now she is 8 & is upset about not being a flower girl at my wedding lol  I told her what IV told me that there is someone out there for us it may not be in a week or in a month but they'll come around & she is worried about a step brother or sister that if when she is gone to her dads the other child will be with me & she wont get to see them lol oh to be so innocent again I told her I'm not looking for anyone & don't plan to for a while & she shouldn't worry about that happening we all know she wants to be an ONLY child & stay SPOILED because that is exactly what she is & to me it is okay as long as it is done in moderation :)

Goodness I have learned so much by us being together even my relationship with my daughter has strengthened so much by us being together even though he has no kids & I took his advise even if it got on my nerves that is deffinately  one good thing that came out of us being in a relationship he drove me crazy but I looked to him for guidance on what to do in a lot of situations that we have gone through with Makenzy & even her dad who to this day I still don't talk to unless he wants something that in itself is a whole other page/blog whatever you make of it

      The whole thing about us & DON'T LIE to anyone it hurts to tell the lie & it hurts to be lied to trust me I should know.... He says when he asked me to Marry him he loved me but now he doesnt &  I am doing my best to keep thinking & KNOWING that this is God's PLAN for us I have believed that God brought us together since we met & fell in love & now it is God's will for him to go on with his life & travel & God has other things planned for Makenzy & I & as long as I keep trying out this new found faith & showing Makenzy even through all of the tears everything will be okay because it is all God's plan for us. I am so thankful for our church family I know if i EVER need someone to talk to they will be there & so will my family & his family & that means so much especially right now ♥ Hopefully our story will impact someone elses life in a GOOD way I wouldn't wish the hurt & tears on anyone but one day I know I'll look back & be so glad God put us through this ♥  I will always Love Brian even if it is as Friends♥


OKAY  so now it is the day I have been waiting for THE LAST day of FEBRUARY 2011!! YAYY!! Maybe tomorrow I can go ahead a little more & move on a little I bought Makenzy a Bible & today Brian  I took our bibles to all be inscribed with our names Mine has my name & his has Makenzys name on it so he has named his bible Makenzy so he'll always have her with him :) & of course we put Maks name on hers now we just have to find a carrier we have not given it to her yet though but will soon.. Last tuesday Brian told our lifegroup that we have decided to be friends This week we will be able to tell them about his wanting to travel to Austrailia He told Makenzy about him going on Saturday so we can Finally talk to her about him leaving & not feel like we are hiding anything from her...