AMERICAN GIRL!!

   Well today was the AMERICAN GIRL FASHION SHOW!! & Makenzy was a Bitty baby MODEL! :) I had bought tickets a while back for Me, Mom, & Brian Before all of this stuff happened so He went today too... It was awkward for me I don't guess I was in the best of moods anyway I have been trying to distance myself a little more from him this week & he started talking about going to a club last night & It just made me mad! I shouldnt be but still I hurt some I REALLY wish this didn't take SO long to get over someone! We went to lunch after the show was Me, Brian, Mom, & Mak HE had invited us out the day before or suggested us going I should say so I though HE was going to pay WRONG! lol not that it matters... Tonight Makenzy & I went out to Logans to a Birthday party ♥ we met up with some fellow Epicans & had a good time :) This was the first sat  have had off in FOREVER!!!  Well Have a good night :) tomorrow is CHURCH & then picking up Mak from Brian & seeing some friends HOPEFULLY it wont be too awkward like today :)
 ♥'n my princess!!!

Me, Mak & My MAMMA ♥

Things ARE getting BETTER

Well things ARE getting BETTER :) Fri & Sat Brian went on a retreat with the church & on SAT I got off work early went to Bridgestreet & got me some new Jeans :) then went & picked up Pat then Met Joni & Got Tatted UP!  I got Faith Hope Love on my right wrist & I LOVE IT!!! This is my FOREVER reminder than NO matter what Happens in my life I KNOW GOD will be here for me! (i'll Post a pic later ;)  ) then Pat & I went out to Priceville & Decatur & then went to Waffle House! HAD to have a WAFFLE!! Then EPIC sunday morning :) the new renovations they did are AWESOME! the pastor said something about flowers  & I looked at Pat & said where r my flowers? lol WEll... Wed I got my flowers :)  ♥    Brian picked up Mak sunday night from her dad & kept her so I could go meet some girls for a bit :)  MAK said sat night when I talked to her she had a secret w her dad (not cool!) SO sunday when I picked her up I asked her about it evidently her dad & his wife got into an argument which they do all the time when she is there April has even told Mak SHE is the reason they argue :( AS IF Mak isnt going through enough right now? I called Mikey & he ended up hangin up on me after I got a not so nice txt message that he denied & he called & asked  when her next appt was he could go to I'm TIRED of babysitting him & if he wants to know when it is he can call  & ask  (sorry dude! not married 2 u n e more!)  anyway monday  I had a class at Epic & Learned some new things :) & met a couple of new people including a lady Brian had gone camping with sat night she said she thought I ended things UH NOPE! so Monday came & went that night Brian was supposed 2 go camping with friends TUESDAY i find out on of those friends was his Ex NOT that I should mind n e more BUT COME ON! he could have at least told me ahead of time right? (( It is getting better))..... SO I get upset & he finds it hard to console me anymore I say just put ur arms around me & tell me it will b okay & he did         WED he was wanting 2 camp out in the neighbors back yard in his tent.... he txt me said it may rain I said I might melt he took me as a smart ass & so I had NO more contact with him till thurs morning  I went out with a friend JUSTIN who let me shoot his SKS Chineese assault rifle about 2 years ago & had someone to talk to had  couple of drinks didnt stress about n e thing came home & went to bed just fine :)   My neighbor & I have started walking every mornin :) 1 mile after taking mak to school we walk & I get ready & go to work :)    Tonight  Brian picked up Mak from school for me & had her ready for bed when I got home a freind Faron invited us to the daily brew to see him sing & play his ukeleili  yeah Idk how 2 spell it lol so Mak & I went we had a good time I have REALLY enjoyed the last few days just trying to let everything go it seems like it is getting easier & I am happier because of it   & I am meeting more people & getting out a little more & LOVE IT!!!



This has been a BIG change for me but I know I can get through it alright I have been reading the Bible more & Just Praying & talking to God more I am by NO means Perfect & I have a LONG way to go in my Faith BUT I KNOW GOD is with me he LOVES ME he will NEVER leave me & WON'T LIE to me & I AM a BETTER person Because of Him!! ♥  Pat & I talked about getting Baptised next time they do it... Never know :)


  Well thanks for reading my Rant again! It is all coming together ♥ me ☻

   
       Hope
       Faith   
       Love

Another night

              Well last night we talked some (I mostly cried) but thats to be expected I'm just emotional & I SWEAR I took my MEDS! lol I have been on & off Medicines for my being stresed for years literally off & On but in the past few months with everything going on with makenzys dad & court I have felt I would b better off if I just broke down & took something for stress & I think it has helped as long as I take it EVERY DAY! & it helps for work too :0) working with the public can be hard even if you DO love your job! ♥ {{ Coffee Break}} Well everything went okay I just had questions to ask like about how he was able to give another person closure but not me I dont know if I even want closure honestly because I do LOVE him I'm still so confused he has this sense of wanting to make people happy right now & feel like he loves everyone & showing everyone Love he is still helping us with a bill & i'm helping him with one but what if he changes his mind & i'm not ready? & he said he would help with the yard (mak & I have Allergies) & last year he paid someone to do the yard all summer so we would have more time together.. I can tell him that I still Love him & he says show me (not so bluntly) but here I am thinking i NEED to let go he has already said he does not Love me I cant make him love me & he says well I loved you before Loved you once well If that doesn't put me in a pickle IDK what well Isn't that like the False Hope thing I thought about the other day? SERIOUSLY? you want to say you dont love me any more that you DID but dont now just as a "FRIEND" & THEN say you say you love me so what do people do when they love someone? I say Fight & he says well there you go.... Can u see my utter FRUSTRAION?
   I HATE stressing over everything!!!
He is not wearing the ring Makenzy & I gave him I just cant seem to take mine off even if I put it on the other finger it doesnt fit the same at all my left hand has had a ring or silver band on it in the same size for literally 15 years my skin is made to have something there... Maybe I need to go shopping for the I don't love you any more It's time to make yourself feel better ring lol like the right hand ring. the 15 years start when I had a silver band I bought at the mall one day I still have it & only took it off when Brian gave me a spin ring I tried to have the band re done but it is cracked now :( & pretty much un fixable
 But what would you do? you have someone you Obviously LOVE spent 2 years with & they come out &  say MY WHOLE life I have LIED last night he said when we first go together he was seriously thinking about Moving to australia before we started talking then we me online & talked for a bit then Met in Person one night & the FIRST thinghe did after my friend left was strip all of his clothes off He said last night he did that to push me away & i stayed then the next weekend I had went & had a drink & took a pain pill all in like 30 min (yes I know not smart & this was the last time I have just taken a pain pill for no reason & drank bc i wanted to) I went to the hospital to see my cousin & Passed OUT literally just FELL out in the ER floor OMG i felt like SHIT!! SO i had to call Brian to pick me Up & take me home & got Pissed when he wouldnt stay with me when I felt like shit he basically said ok ur home I'm leaving (still remember exactly what he was wearing I was so pissed)  another time he had stayed over the house he was sick to his stomach & I told him i didnt care i wanted him to stay over & he crapped the bed here I am ASLEEP & he wakes me up saying he dont roll over I think u need to get up well he crapped the bed there was a roll of toilet tissue next to the bed I handed it to him moved over & went back to sleep till he got out of the bathroom to change the sheets & NOW he says it wansnt an accident he was trying to get me to break things off with him I just think he"s crazy & that was what drew me to him itn the first place he was different & I needed a NEW Beginning Granted it didnt have to be a crazy one but I was so drawn to him because of his attitude to everything he was so out going & I'm so NOT event though I'm trying to get there now :)  (( My wrong doing? I saw him as a CHALLENGE he had NEVER been in a long relationship before never really tied down before & I got him & kept him sounds bad though he was a challenge that I couldn't keep I dont even know If i have told him this or not lol ))
  Then he says he asked me to marry him because everyone kept asking when he would propose & the ONLY reason he proposed at G's is because I would go eat there with my Boss who is a guy I am NOT attracted to (you dont mix business & pleasure I got a story about that too) Brian was upset we would always go to G's to eat it was close to work & has good vegetables SO last night he said he proposed to me there so maybe I wouldn't go out to eat with boss man there anymore.... IDK All of the SO calle LIES are adding up to me now the more he spits them out I have ALWAYS 100% TRUSTED Brian ALWAYS & I have NEVER been able to do that with anyone before & now he says he LIED so much I'm afraid I'm going to have trust issues with anyone else because of what he has put me through EVEN if everyone IS totally Different.

 He says if I ever nee to get out he"ll stay & watch makenzy for me there is NO WAY I can tear the 2 of them apart he is Like a Father to her even if she has one already who is a Weekend dad she literally sees him 3 days a month 3  days!! BUT it is all HIS choice if he made the effort things would be different

 I'm stuck with the sayings   " It could ALWAYS be worse "
and    "Everything Happens for a REASON!  "   

Those things are SO easy to say & I say them all the time ♥ but living it is the hardest ♥


Thanks if u made it this far today ♥ I kind of feel sorry for you & my randomness but I am TOTALLY LOVING THIS BLOG thing even if NO ONE EVER reads it it still makes me feel better :)

I LOVE my life even if things are hard & I Over analize EVERYTHING I wouldnt change ANYTHING even I if I could everything I went through in my yesterdays has made me who I am today Hence it could always be worse & Everything happens for a reason :)

 ♥♥ me!!

Another day

Well today was another day I went to work & took some Vintage portraits & had some fun ♥ tonight was our life group meeting I took off work early to come home & help Brian get the food ready we took a fruit pizza It was SO good!! I just felt so distant from him.. Last night I went to Applebees with Joni & Mike we had a drink & did some Easter eggs for Epic Brian txt me while at work 7 told me he was not mad but woud rather know if I'm going ot be out drinking. Why did I get him to watch Makenzy you ask? Because He said he would If I ever needed to get out of the house which is EXACTLY what I'm trying to do right now Friday I went to BAM Sunday we went with Michael & Robin out to a mexican restraunt with the girls which was okay Brian picked up Me & Mak at the house & dropped us off after dinner I am getting a little more used to him not being here this morning i got aggrivated & got some of his things & put them together in the back bedroom so all he has to do is pick them up & go... I het to feel mad about everything the last 6 weeks have HURT very BAD & I HONESTLY dotn thinkhe understands what he has done to me! SO tomorrow we are supposed to "talk" IF i can compose myself enough not to just absolutely BURST into tears like I did this morning & last night not everything triggers me but he wrote his ex & said that he needed to give her closure well where's MY closure? you kow the person you have been withthe last 2 years? you knwo the one whos' daughter is in love with you & you wrote me note on FB that you took off your ring I gave you & also changes your status on FB okay I SWEAR I'm NOT crazy it is only a THING a status but because I told you i needed closure you keep on hurting me more... he is still helping with bills & takes out the trash & said he will help with the lawn I'm just confused what am i supposed to think about ANYTHING that he is doing? I'm not trying to complain here honestly but TALK TO me about this stuff!  & he told me in a FB message (that is a easy way for me to communicate) he is moving into an apartment & getting a massage table? yeah not going there right now...... well I've vented enough or complained enough I'm exhausted I couldnt go to sleep last night & stayed up a while reading Psalms :) I THANK GOD EVERY DAY FOR GIVING US EPIC I COULD NOT DO THIS IF I HADN'T MET THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO DO NOTHING BUT TAKE ME IN & LIFT MY SPIRITS
 MY PROBLEMS ARE INSIGNIFICANT COMPARED TO WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND ME I JUST NEED TO GET THROUGH THIS  & WITH GOD BY MY SIDE I KNOW I WILL♥

INSIGNIFICANT

Definition of INSIGNIFICANT

: not significant: as a : lacking meaning or import b : not worth considering : unimportant

this is off my Facebook page:

The one word that has been running through my mind is Insignificant how Insignificant my problems are compared to everything else around me. I go through Blogs & see peoples Struggles & hear on the News about Japan & meet parents & Kids & people every day at work that are going through so much more than what We are so why does it have to be hard to let go of? In a way I feel selfish. I know God has a plan for Makenzy & I & I am SO THANKFUL for the chance to meet new people & try to venture out a little more. There is so much MORE to me & I cant wait to see what God has in store! ♥ Can't wait for Epic tomorrow! ♥.

 Why do things have to be so Hard? Or is it I just make things hard for myself?

 Tonight I was at the Tattoo shop talking to the artist (I REALLY want a tattoo on my foot!) when Brian Txt me & wrote I'm not going ot Australia. Decatur City is my family. My camping trip+ softball practice with Justin = the knowledge I needed.

 Wow here I am thinking in just less than 70 days he will be leaving & when he does I will be able to pick myself up a little more & maybe move on a little WOW not now! lol Now I think what am i going to do now? 

 

Randomness:

WHATEVER YOUR DOING ON THE INSIDE OF ME IT FEELS LIKE CHAOS, BUT SOMEHOW THERE'S PEACE.

Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)

I hears this song on the Radio the other night & it really got me thinking & then when I heard it this morning(LIKE A DORK) I called my answering machine @ home & left myself a message bc i was driving down the road & couldnt txt myself some of the words :) I do that all the time I'll call my cell phone if I'm in bed & leave myself a message if there is something i need to do for work or home  (sad huh?) i forget stuff easy lol 

 

 

But seriously what am I supposed to think? It is his life his decisions  this came out of nowhere! AGAIN this is how Brian is he is ADHD just like Makenzy & My G.Dot said he wouldnt leave anyway so ... But i'm kind of like what now lol My mind set was that he was going to leave & it would be easier for me to go through this because I wouldnt have to see him & now I go to the thing okay now he is going to stay  I KNOW i want him to continue to be a part of our lives somehow & if we cant be together... I just dont know if I can see myself with anyone else & definately couldnt handle seeing him with someone else BUT I'm just going to have to get my BIG GIRL PANTIES on & GET OVER IT!  (( Keep in mind I'm NOT good with change unless I'm the one changing lol not fair huh?))  Well LIFE ISNT FAIR!  or as a teacher once told em the Fair is down the road in September :)

 

 I did venture out a little though on Friday night My mom had Mak for me & when I went to pick her up I asked mom if she would watch Makenzy a little longer s I could go meet some Girls at Books so I did & I have NEVER talked toANY of them more than to say hello SO they didnt know ANYTHING about me nor I them & it was nice (oh & there was one guy lol but he was just there & we ended up sitting with him he also goes to Epic) But to just be around people who were all smiling & I didnt have to worry about ANY drama & didnt have to think about what day it was (to me) & OMG I got OUT of the HOUSE for a bit! of course when I went to pick up Makenzy I was 5 min late lol (I'm ALWAYS late & SWEAR i'll b late to my Funeral!) I told mom it felt like I was 18 again! & had 2 b home at 10:30(yeah I dont think I ever followed that rule! another reason why I moved out at 18 but thats a WHOLE other story) 

ANYWAY  I'm so Glad to have gotten out & HOPEFULLY will have a few more friends to talk to & go through this life with :) There IS a REASON GOD put me there & I believe nothing but good can come out of it ♥

Well the time change is tonight SO technically it is 11:52 & that is WAY past my bedtime! lol  SO now OFF to sleep maybe I'm just ready to go to EPIC on the morning :)

 

Sweet dreams! ♥ 

 

Another day to get through

Well tomorrow will mark one year since the day that Brian surprised me & Proposed. I know I shouldn't dwell on what is going on but it was a BIG deal for me! I was absolutely In LOVE with him! I still will Forever Love him too a part of him will always be  in my heart I truly believe everything happens for a reason & I know I have said this all before  I guess I just need to vent about it again...  I just though "this time everything  will be okay" & I've caught myself saying I know what I want but I really want what God wants in this relationship & guess what? He SURE told Me! lol  & so  did Brian It hurts so BAD BUT I know this  is what God wants & even if it is HARD for me to go through there has go to be as people have said to me something BIGGER & HUGER than I could EVER imagine at the end of my struggles Hopefully I'll look back even on this day & think how crazy I was to get so upset  it's kind of hard to believe right now though, next will be the day we had set for the wedding April 9, 2011  & then He will be leaving around May 28th I DREAD the day! I keep thinking how things will be I shouldnt though I should just do my best to leave EVERYTHING up to GOD but even though I want to It is hard to start in a way I want to read the bible I just dont know where to start at all I'm trying ot talk to more people & venture out a little more I went out with my sisters last sunday & we had a great time today Mak  & I talked to Leighanne Cherry the  Worshiop pastors wife she saw us at Bath & Body works shopping we needed some more hand soap & since Makenzy was such a good sport for giving up some of her stuffed animals I figured what better thing to go buy lol mama needs some retail therapy even though I know t doesnt work :(   the ONLY thing that will work is trusting God that everything will be okay I'm still so scared though I have NEVER taken time for ME & Makenzy I have always gone from one relationship to the next & this time I  DON"T even want to think about being with anyone other than Brian even though I know it can't be & he has already said it was okay for  me to move on I just dont want to I MISS him so MUCH & he is still here 15 min away but he's not MINE anymore I have to let go & i don't want to Is that so wrong? am I setting myself up for a harder time? when he does leave?                                                                                & then I get on here & read other peoples posts about their lives & their struggles & what I am going through is SO insignificant compared to what they are going through wether it be Cancer or Cystic Fibrosis or a child with Juvenile Arthritis or a Family trying to adopt from another country a customer came into work yesterday & their family is dealing with the loss of an infant the mother was in Labor & the Palcenta separated completely & the baby drowned before or during the  birth was going to be this mothers 3rd child..... My sister lost her first son Brody not even a month after we lost our Dad & it was Honestly the hardest Funeral I had ever been to I cant imagine all of the pain she went through or what all of these other people are going through on a day to day basis

 I'm sitting here listening to WAY.FM 88.1 online it is a North Alabama radio station & is all we ahve been listening to int he car I LOVE to hear Makenzy sitting in the car singing these songs! It makes me feel so GOOD!!!
some of the songs are
Let the Waters rise
Never alone
By your side
Blink
You can have me
The motions
 there is a song I am looking for the name of that played the other night on my way home I only heard it once so I dont have any words memorized lol




Well I guess this is the end of my rant for the night I'm SURE I'll be back tomorrow to tell you how my day went HOPEFULLY Makenzy & I will have something to do after work tomorrow night & wont have to come straight home Brian is going to be off camping I dint even think he realized tomorrow would be a year since he proposed I guess a Girl is more likely to remember everything though huh?


God Loves me he will never leave or Forsake me He is ALWAYS with me  Matt 28:20, Heb. 13:5


Why should I be depressed when I can recall to mind God' lovngkindness, compassion, faithfulness, and have HOPE? LAM. 3:21-23

Why shuld I worry & be upset when I can cast ALL my anxiety on Christ who cares for me? 1Peter 5:7

""From the 20 Cans of Success""




♥




 

The date has been set

Well the date has been set. Brian has plans to leave for Australia on May 28th of this year. It is so SOON! I'm getting more nervous as time goes on.  :(  & not too excited either. I took Makenzy to the counselor yesterday so she could talk to someone other than "us" about it & she wouldnt hardly say anything at all! I hate she is just like me! I did the same thing & I hope she'll change that!  I'm just glad we are able to talk to more peple about it We told our Life group Last tuesday about him leaving & on Friday he went & applied for his passport next he will apply for a Work Visa for Australia. Hopefully everything will go alright (even though I'm stillnot sure about him going) After that gets accepted he's off!  The reason he has set the date is Amber his sister graduates on the 26th & the Job he is going for leaves Perth the beginning of June for Broome & he needs to be trained & ready to go By September when they get to Broome. We have both been looking at things related to the culture & food & Banking UGH there is so much! lol  I told Makenzy maybe we could travel there to see him one day but who knows what God has in store for us. I Definately see Brian staying a part of our lives I cant imagine him not being a part of our lives ever. He is planning on coming back home next February to visit for the month *Hopefully* things will go as planned I'm REALLY trying my Best to rely on God through all of this & have been talking o more people at the Church through our Life Group & the Pastors Wife I Don't want to lose myslef in this & become depressed & I know as long as I dont want to do something I wont & as Long as I hold God close to me I wont either & I just keep thinking there is a reason I am going through this that everythign will work out the Way God wants it to & as Wendy told me the other day ther has got to be Something BIGGER & BETTER that God is settingus up for & I cant wait to see what it is!  This last week has been a little rough though I've had a sinus infection & those SUCK!! I took off work a day & 1/2 to rest & ended up in Makenzys room sitting in the floor cleaning up! We are trying ot make MORE change in this house too with Brian not being here & I want to Paint before he leaves int he livingroom & my bedroom HOPEFULLY we'll be able to get it done!  In Makenys room I have gotten 3 bags of stuffed animals & 3 bags of clothes ready to go somewhere & I took some things to Consignment yesterday to see if they could sell anything for us since I do NOT want ot do a yard sale I might as well just open my whole house to one though then I wouldnt have to clean as much! lol 

 Well I'm going to get ready for work now just thought I'd "catch up"  first! ♥

Rough Day

Well today I feel like CRAP!  I started feeling sick on Tuesday & I just kept going thinking i would b fine then Wed & I wen to work & needless I didnt do everything i needed to do SO today I stayed home & in Bed pretty much all day! except to go pick up Mak from school & cook myself some Breakfast/lunch at 1:00 I stayed up for maybe 1 1/2 hours & went back to bed  After I picked her up there was no way I could go back to sleep Knowing she would NOT be doing what she needed to at ALL SO I got up & Went & worked in her room a little WHO KNEW an 8 year old little girl could have a WHOLE trash bag full of stuff in her FLOOR!?!?! SO that is a Project we are working on right now along with all of the other change going on in our lives we are trying to get rid of the MESS! we just have TOO MUCH STUFF!! & a back bedroom full of just that STUFF we dont use...


                        SO besides everthing else going on Being sick SUCKS Brian stayed with me last night since Makenzy wasnt home & he knew I was not feeling any better either I just feel so much better when he stays with me Just to know he is here if I need him & I guess that has been the hardest thing about all of this he is not here. I asked him If he'd stay tonight & he said no & it just tears me up I want to be taken care of bc I dont feel good at all & since we are not "together" anymore he wont stay I miss him  so much I miss what WAS only a few weeks ago to me but longer for him when he loved me & cared about me I miss us being "together" even though we cant be.... We talked to our Life group on Tuesday night about what is going on & let them know Brian is leaving in a few months so it feels good to know I can talk to more people about everything now I guess I'm just scared to... I talked to Makenzy a little today she knew I was upset & crying she told me everything would be okay  she has been through SO MUCH already at 8 years old! she balances me out i guess you could say I just do not know what to do when she is not home I dont go anywhere this past monday & tuesday I went with Brian places I just dont know what to do I know he is doing more to separate himself & it just scares me to death the last 2 years has been all about "US" Brian Shawna & Makenzy he seems like he has everything laid out for himself now He knows what he wants to go & do & now here I am I just feel STUCK I know I have Mak & she always makes me feel better I can just get a hug or kiss &  know she is always here & I am meeting more people from Epic which is cool & am trying to read the Bible too I feel like this is the only thing that will help me get through all of this It hurts so bad! I HATE feeling like this I wish everything would just GO AWAY! & listening to all of the prayer requests at life group there are people going through worse things than I am with Family I feel like i shouldn't feel this way at all... It is easier to be on the side where you can say I'm done this doesnt work anymore I have done that before & now the tables are turned & I'm the one hurting UGH   I know I will get through this I know WE will get through this & God had truly given me the best Blessing to Have go through this with she is so light hearted with everything that is going on.... I gues that is all for tonight I'm goin got try & get some rest I dread work tomorrow (which I NEVER do)  Please PRAY ♥