Another night

              Well last night we talked some (I mostly cried) but thats to be expected I'm just emotional & I SWEAR I took my MEDS! lol I have been on & off Medicines for my being stresed for years literally off & On but in the past few months with everything going on with makenzys dad & court I have felt I would b better off if I just broke down & took something for stress & I think it has helped as long as I take it EVERY DAY! & it helps for work too :0) working with the public can be hard even if you DO love your job! ♥ {{ Coffee Break}} Well everything went okay I just had questions to ask like about how he was able to give another person closure but not me I dont know if I even want closure honestly because I do LOVE him I'm still so confused he has this sense of wanting to make people happy right now & feel like he loves everyone & showing everyone Love he is still helping us with a bill & i'm helping him with one but what if he changes his mind & i'm not ready? & he said he would help with the yard (mak & I have Allergies) & last year he paid someone to do the yard all summer so we would have more time together.. I can tell him that I still Love him & he says show me (not so bluntly) but here I am thinking i NEED to let go he has already said he does not Love me I cant make him love me & he says well I loved you before Loved you once well If that doesn't put me in a pickle IDK what well Isn't that like the False Hope thing I thought about the other day? SERIOUSLY? you want to say you dont love me any more that you DID but dont now just as a "FRIEND" & THEN say you say you love me so what do people do when they love someone? I say Fight & he says well there you go.... Can u see my utter FRUSTRAION?
   I HATE stressing over everything!!!
He is not wearing the ring Makenzy & I gave him I just cant seem to take mine off even if I put it on the other finger it doesnt fit the same at all my left hand has had a ring or silver band on it in the same size for literally 15 years my skin is made to have something there... Maybe I need to go shopping for the I don't love you any more It's time to make yourself feel better ring lol like the right hand ring. the 15 years start when I had a silver band I bought at the mall one day I still have it & only took it off when Brian gave me a spin ring I tried to have the band re done but it is cracked now :( & pretty much un fixable
 But what would you do? you have someone you Obviously LOVE spent 2 years with & they come out &  say MY WHOLE life I have LIED last night he said when we first go together he was seriously thinking about Moving to australia before we started talking then we me online & talked for a bit then Met in Person one night & the FIRST thinghe did after my friend left was strip all of his clothes off He said last night he did that to push me away & i stayed then the next weekend I had went & had a drink & took a pain pill all in like 30 min (yes I know not smart & this was the last time I have just taken a pain pill for no reason & drank bc i wanted to) I went to the hospital to see my cousin & Passed OUT literally just FELL out in the ER floor OMG i felt like SHIT!! SO i had to call Brian to pick me Up & take me home & got Pissed when he wouldnt stay with me when I felt like shit he basically said ok ur home I'm leaving (still remember exactly what he was wearing I was so pissed)  another time he had stayed over the house he was sick to his stomach & I told him i didnt care i wanted him to stay over & he crapped the bed here I am ASLEEP & he wakes me up saying he dont roll over I think u need to get up well he crapped the bed there was a roll of toilet tissue next to the bed I handed it to him moved over & went back to sleep till he got out of the bathroom to change the sheets & NOW he says it wansnt an accident he was trying to get me to break things off with him I just think he"s crazy & that was what drew me to him itn the first place he was different & I needed a NEW Beginning Granted it didnt have to be a crazy one but I was so drawn to him because of his attitude to everything he was so out going & I'm so NOT event though I'm trying to get there now :)  (( My wrong doing? I saw him as a CHALLENGE he had NEVER been in a long relationship before never really tied down before & I got him & kept him sounds bad though he was a challenge that I couldn't keep I dont even know If i have told him this or not lol ))
  Then he says he asked me to marry him because everyone kept asking when he would propose & the ONLY reason he proposed at G's is because I would go eat there with my Boss who is a guy I am NOT attracted to (you dont mix business & pleasure I got a story about that too) Brian was upset we would always go to G's to eat it was close to work & has good vegetables SO last night he said he proposed to me there so maybe I wouldn't go out to eat with boss man there anymore.... IDK All of the SO calle LIES are adding up to me now the more he spits them out I have ALWAYS 100% TRUSTED Brian ALWAYS & I have NEVER been able to do that with anyone before & now he says he LIED so much I'm afraid I'm going to have trust issues with anyone else because of what he has put me through EVEN if everyone IS totally Different.

 He says if I ever nee to get out he"ll stay & watch makenzy for me there is NO WAY I can tear the 2 of them apart he is Like a Father to her even if she has one already who is a Weekend dad she literally sees him 3 days a month 3  days!! BUT it is all HIS choice if he made the effort things would be different

 I'm stuck with the sayings   " It could ALWAYS be worse "
and    "Everything Happens for a REASON!  "   

Those things are SO easy to say & I say them all the time ♥ but living it is the hardest ♥


Thanks if u made it this far today ♥ I kind of feel sorry for you & my randomness but I am TOTALLY LOVING THIS BLOG thing even if NO ONE EVER reads it it still makes me feel better :)

I LOVE my life even if things are hard & I Over analize EVERYTHING I wouldnt change ANYTHING even I if I could everything I went through in my yesterdays has made me who I am today Hence it could always be worse & Everything happens for a reason :)

 ♥♥ me!!