S Been a while

 Well it has been a while since I last got on here :) Since April I have  stopped all communication with Brian just couldnt do it any more he hurt me & lied to me & well some things are hard to forgive & just move on so I figured I'd just Let GO of everything & start anew :)  Thats just a smidge for now :)

A NEW Day

Well today was a New day & went pretty smoothly i think :) it was 9 days since I last saw Brian & we went out to dinner just He, Makenzy & I & everything went smoothly :)  Last sunday a week ago was rough for me I didnt have much contact with him & I sat with Joni & Mike @ church I just didn't want to be close to him... 

             Emily had a Dream & told me about it after service she said God came to her & told her to tell me NOT to worry that where I am in my life was RIGHT where he wants me to be & that I dotn need to worry  WOW! this news felt SO GREAT to me! & was just what I needed!



     Well on Wed Brian txt me I had not responded to ANY of his previous txts that week yet & asked if I wanted to go to Ruby tuesday I didnt txt bk & he called n my way home & asked if i wanted to go & i said not really.. & asked who was going he said it would just be us 2 & i tild him I had already made plans & he got upset & got off the phone.. when I got home that night the things I had ordered from pampered chef were at the house that he had dropped off along with my House key okay... I wasnt sure what to think  BUT it was okay just something else that I knew was going to happen eventually
SO tonight we talked about it & about him keeping Makenzy & trying to make a schedule & need to set boundaries when it comes to her & our relationship I REALLY want him to be a part of her life I dotn feel like it would be fair to her for me to cut him out completely he has been such a Positive influence for her & she NEEDS a positive male role model & as far as our talk Brian is leaving all of this up to me.


 I just want God's will  as he has done in the past 2 months he sure has shown me!  :)
 All I can do is continue to read the bible & need to do that a lil more than i have & I talk to GOD & Pray often for him to give me strength to get through all of this 


 Philippians 4:13

 ALSO today Emily took pics of me & Mak I'm SO EXCITED! we have not had pics together "just us" since 2008! I can't wait to see them!


♥ Have a good night all :)






     

AMERICAN GIRL!!

   Well today was the AMERICAN GIRL FASHION SHOW!! & Makenzy was a Bitty baby MODEL! :) I had bought tickets a while back for Me, Mom, & Brian Before all of this stuff happened so He went today too... It was awkward for me I don't guess I was in the best of moods anyway I have been trying to distance myself a little more from him this week & he started talking about going to a club last night & It just made me mad! I shouldnt be but still I hurt some I REALLY wish this didn't take SO long to get over someone! We went to lunch after the show was Me, Brian, Mom, & Mak HE had invited us out the day before or suggested us going I should say so I though HE was going to pay WRONG! lol not that it matters... Tonight Makenzy & I went out to Logans to a Birthday party ♥ we met up with some fellow Epicans & had a good time :) This was the first sat  have had off in FOREVER!!!  Well Have a good night :) tomorrow is CHURCH & then picking up Mak from Brian & seeing some friends HOPEFULLY it wont be too awkward like today :)
 ♥'n my princess!!!

Me, Mak & My MAMMA ♥

Things ARE getting BETTER

Well things ARE getting BETTER :) Fri & Sat Brian went on a retreat with the church & on SAT I got off work early went to Bridgestreet & got me some new Jeans :) then went & picked up Pat then Met Joni & Got Tatted UP!  I got Faith Hope Love on my right wrist & I LOVE IT!!! This is my FOREVER reminder than NO matter what Happens in my life I KNOW GOD will be here for me! (i'll Post a pic later ;)  ) then Pat & I went out to Priceville & Decatur & then went to Waffle House! HAD to have a WAFFLE!! Then EPIC sunday morning :) the new renovations they did are AWESOME! the pastor said something about flowers  & I looked at Pat & said where r my flowers? lol WEll... Wed I got my flowers :)  ♥    Brian picked up Mak sunday night from her dad & kept her so I could go meet some girls for a bit :)  MAK said sat night when I talked to her she had a secret w her dad (not cool!) SO sunday when I picked her up I asked her about it evidently her dad & his wife got into an argument which they do all the time when she is there April has even told Mak SHE is the reason they argue :( AS IF Mak isnt going through enough right now? I called Mikey & he ended up hangin up on me after I got a not so nice txt message that he denied & he called & asked  when her next appt was he could go to I'm TIRED of babysitting him & if he wants to know when it is he can call  & ask  (sorry dude! not married 2 u n e more!)  anyway monday  I had a class at Epic & Learned some new things :) & met a couple of new people including a lady Brian had gone camping with sat night she said she thought I ended things UH NOPE! so Monday came & went that night Brian was supposed 2 go camping with friends TUESDAY i find out on of those friends was his Ex NOT that I should mind n e more BUT COME ON! he could have at least told me ahead of time right? (( It is getting better))..... SO I get upset & he finds it hard to console me anymore I say just put ur arms around me & tell me it will b okay & he did         WED he was wanting 2 camp out in the neighbors back yard in his tent.... he txt me said it may rain I said I might melt he took me as a smart ass & so I had NO more contact with him till thurs morning  I went out with a friend JUSTIN who let me shoot his SKS Chineese assault rifle about 2 years ago & had someone to talk to had  couple of drinks didnt stress about n e thing came home & went to bed just fine :)   My neighbor & I have started walking every mornin :) 1 mile after taking mak to school we walk & I get ready & go to work :)    Tonight  Brian picked up Mak from school for me & had her ready for bed when I got home a freind Faron invited us to the daily brew to see him sing & play his ukeleili  yeah Idk how 2 spell it lol so Mak & I went we had a good time I have REALLY enjoyed the last few days just trying to let everything go it seems like it is getting easier & I am happier because of it   & I am meeting more people & getting out a little more & LOVE IT!!!



This has been a BIG change for me but I know I can get through it alright I have been reading the Bible more & Just Praying & talking to God more I am by NO means Perfect & I have a LONG way to go in my Faith BUT I KNOW GOD is with me he LOVES ME he will NEVER leave me & WON'T LIE to me & I AM a BETTER person Because of Him!! ♥  Pat & I talked about getting Baptised next time they do it... Never know :)


  Well thanks for reading my Rant again! It is all coming together ♥ me ☻

   
       Hope
       Faith   
       Love

Another night

              Well last night we talked some (I mostly cried) but thats to be expected I'm just emotional & I SWEAR I took my MEDS! lol I have been on & off Medicines for my being stresed for years literally off & On but in the past few months with everything going on with makenzys dad & court I have felt I would b better off if I just broke down & took something for stress & I think it has helped as long as I take it EVERY DAY! & it helps for work too :0) working with the public can be hard even if you DO love your job! ♥ {{ Coffee Break}} Well everything went okay I just had questions to ask like about how he was able to give another person closure but not me I dont know if I even want closure honestly because I do LOVE him I'm still so confused he has this sense of wanting to make people happy right now & feel like he loves everyone & showing everyone Love he is still helping us with a bill & i'm helping him with one but what if he changes his mind & i'm not ready? & he said he would help with the yard (mak & I have Allergies) & last year he paid someone to do the yard all summer so we would have more time together.. I can tell him that I still Love him & he says show me (not so bluntly) but here I am thinking i NEED to let go he has already said he does not Love me I cant make him love me & he says well I loved you before Loved you once well If that doesn't put me in a pickle IDK what well Isn't that like the False Hope thing I thought about the other day? SERIOUSLY? you want to say you dont love me any more that you DID but dont now just as a "FRIEND" & THEN say you say you love me so what do people do when they love someone? I say Fight & he says well there you go.... Can u see my utter FRUSTRAION?
   I HATE stressing over everything!!!
He is not wearing the ring Makenzy & I gave him I just cant seem to take mine off even if I put it on the other finger it doesnt fit the same at all my left hand has had a ring or silver band on it in the same size for literally 15 years my skin is made to have something there... Maybe I need to go shopping for the I don't love you any more It's time to make yourself feel better ring lol like the right hand ring. the 15 years start when I had a silver band I bought at the mall one day I still have it & only took it off when Brian gave me a spin ring I tried to have the band re done but it is cracked now :( & pretty much un fixable
 But what would you do? you have someone you Obviously LOVE spent 2 years with & they come out &  say MY WHOLE life I have LIED last night he said when we first go together he was seriously thinking about Moving to australia before we started talking then we me online & talked for a bit then Met in Person one night & the FIRST thinghe did after my friend left was strip all of his clothes off He said last night he did that to push me away & i stayed then the next weekend I had went & had a drink & took a pain pill all in like 30 min (yes I know not smart & this was the last time I have just taken a pain pill for no reason & drank bc i wanted to) I went to the hospital to see my cousin & Passed OUT literally just FELL out in the ER floor OMG i felt like SHIT!! SO i had to call Brian to pick me Up & take me home & got Pissed when he wouldnt stay with me when I felt like shit he basically said ok ur home I'm leaving (still remember exactly what he was wearing I was so pissed)  another time he had stayed over the house he was sick to his stomach & I told him i didnt care i wanted him to stay over & he crapped the bed here I am ASLEEP & he wakes me up saying he dont roll over I think u need to get up well he crapped the bed there was a roll of toilet tissue next to the bed I handed it to him moved over & went back to sleep till he got out of the bathroom to change the sheets & NOW he says it wansnt an accident he was trying to get me to break things off with him I just think he"s crazy & that was what drew me to him itn the first place he was different & I needed a NEW Beginning Granted it didnt have to be a crazy one but I was so drawn to him because of his attitude to everything he was so out going & I'm so NOT event though I'm trying to get there now :)  (( My wrong doing? I saw him as a CHALLENGE he had NEVER been in a long relationship before never really tied down before & I got him & kept him sounds bad though he was a challenge that I couldn't keep I dont even know If i have told him this or not lol ))
  Then he says he asked me to marry him because everyone kept asking when he would propose & the ONLY reason he proposed at G's is because I would go eat there with my Boss who is a guy I am NOT attracted to (you dont mix business & pleasure I got a story about that too) Brian was upset we would always go to G's to eat it was close to work & has good vegetables SO last night he said he proposed to me there so maybe I wouldn't go out to eat with boss man there anymore.... IDK All of the SO calle LIES are adding up to me now the more he spits them out I have ALWAYS 100% TRUSTED Brian ALWAYS & I have NEVER been able to do that with anyone before & now he says he LIED so much I'm afraid I'm going to have trust issues with anyone else because of what he has put me through EVEN if everyone IS totally Different.

 He says if I ever nee to get out he"ll stay & watch makenzy for me there is NO WAY I can tear the 2 of them apart he is Like a Father to her even if she has one already who is a Weekend dad she literally sees him 3 days a month 3  days!! BUT it is all HIS choice if he made the effort things would be different

 I'm stuck with the sayings   " It could ALWAYS be worse "
and    "Everything Happens for a REASON!  "   

Those things are SO easy to say & I say them all the time ♥ but living it is the hardest ♥


Thanks if u made it this far today ♥ I kind of feel sorry for you & my randomness but I am TOTALLY LOVING THIS BLOG thing even if NO ONE EVER reads it it still makes me feel better :)

I LOVE my life even if things are hard & I Over analize EVERYTHING I wouldnt change ANYTHING even I if I could everything I went through in my yesterdays has made me who I am today Hence it could always be worse & Everything happens for a reason :)

 ♥♥ me!!

Another day

Well today was another day I went to work & took some Vintage portraits & had some fun ♥ tonight was our life group meeting I took off work early to come home & help Brian get the food ready we took a fruit pizza It was SO good!! I just felt so distant from him.. Last night I went to Applebees with Joni & Mike we had a drink & did some Easter eggs for Epic Brian txt me while at work 7 told me he was not mad but woud rather know if I'm going ot be out drinking. Why did I get him to watch Makenzy you ask? Because He said he would If I ever needed to get out of the house which is EXACTLY what I'm trying to do right now Friday I went to BAM Sunday we went with Michael & Robin out to a mexican restraunt with the girls which was okay Brian picked up Me & Mak at the house & dropped us off after dinner I am getting a little more used to him not being here this morning i got aggrivated & got some of his things & put them together in the back bedroom so all he has to do is pick them up & go... I het to feel mad about everything the last 6 weeks have HURT very BAD & I HONESTLY dotn thinkhe understands what he has done to me! SO tomorrow we are supposed to "talk" IF i can compose myself enough not to just absolutely BURST into tears like I did this morning & last night not everything triggers me but he wrote his ex & said that he needed to give her closure well where's MY closure? you kow the person you have been withthe last 2 years? you knwo the one whos' daughter is in love with you & you wrote me note on FB that you took off your ring I gave you & also changes your status on FB okay I SWEAR I'm NOT crazy it is only a THING a status but because I told you i needed closure you keep on hurting me more... he is still helping with bills & takes out the trash & said he will help with the lawn I'm just confused what am i supposed to think about ANYTHING that he is doing? I'm not trying to complain here honestly but TALK TO me about this stuff!  & he told me in a FB message (that is a easy way for me to communicate) he is moving into an apartment & getting a massage table? yeah not going there right now...... well I've vented enough or complained enough I'm exhausted I couldnt go to sleep last night & stayed up a while reading Psalms :) I THANK GOD EVERY DAY FOR GIVING US EPIC I COULD NOT DO THIS IF I HADN'T MET THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO DO NOTHING BUT TAKE ME IN & LIFT MY SPIRITS
 MY PROBLEMS ARE INSIGNIFICANT COMPARED TO WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND ME I JUST NEED TO GET THROUGH THIS  & WITH GOD BY MY SIDE I KNOW I WILL♥

INSIGNIFICANT

Definition of INSIGNIFICANT

: not significant: as a : lacking meaning or import b : not worth considering : unimportant

this is off my Facebook page:

The one word that has been running through my mind is Insignificant how Insignificant my problems are compared to everything else around me. I go through Blogs & see peoples Struggles & hear on the News about Japan & meet parents & Kids & people every day at work that are going through so much more than what We are so why does it have to be hard to let go of? In a way I feel selfish. I know God has a plan for Makenzy & I & I am SO THANKFUL for the chance to meet new people & try to venture out a little more. There is so much MORE to me & I cant wait to see what God has in store! ♥ Can't wait for Epic tomorrow! ♥.

 Why do things have to be so Hard? Or is it I just make things hard for myself?

 Tonight I was at the Tattoo shop talking to the artist (I REALLY want a tattoo on my foot!) when Brian Txt me & wrote I'm not going ot Australia. Decatur City is my family. My camping trip+ softball practice with Justin = the knowledge I needed.

 Wow here I am thinking in just less than 70 days he will be leaving & when he does I will be able to pick myself up a little more & maybe move on a little WOW not now! lol Now I think what am i going to do now? 

 

Randomness:

WHATEVER YOUR DOING ON THE INSIDE OF ME IT FEELS LIKE CHAOS, BUT SOMEHOW THERE'S PEACE.

Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)

I hears this song on the Radio the other night & it really got me thinking & then when I heard it this morning(LIKE A DORK) I called my answering machine @ home & left myself a message bc i was driving down the road & couldnt txt myself some of the words :) I do that all the time I'll call my cell phone if I'm in bed & leave myself a message if there is something i need to do for work or home  (sad huh?) i forget stuff easy lol 

 

 

But seriously what am I supposed to think? It is his life his decisions  this came out of nowhere! AGAIN this is how Brian is he is ADHD just like Makenzy & My G.Dot said he wouldnt leave anyway so ... But i'm kind of like what now lol My mind set was that he was going to leave & it would be easier for me to go through this because I wouldnt have to see him & now I go to the thing okay now he is going to stay  I KNOW i want him to continue to be a part of our lives somehow & if we cant be together... I just dont know if I can see myself with anyone else & definately couldnt handle seeing him with someone else BUT I'm just going to have to get my BIG GIRL PANTIES on & GET OVER IT!  (( Keep in mind I'm NOT good with change unless I'm the one changing lol not fair huh?))  Well LIFE ISNT FAIR!  or as a teacher once told em the Fair is down the road in September :)

 

 I did venture out a little though on Friday night My mom had Mak for me & when I went to pick her up I asked mom if she would watch Makenzy a little longer s I could go meet some Girls at Books so I did & I have NEVER talked toANY of them more than to say hello SO they didnt know ANYTHING about me nor I them & it was nice (oh & there was one guy lol but he was just there & we ended up sitting with him he also goes to Epic) But to just be around people who were all smiling & I didnt have to worry about ANY drama & didnt have to think about what day it was (to me) & OMG I got OUT of the HOUSE for a bit! of course when I went to pick up Makenzy I was 5 min late lol (I'm ALWAYS late & SWEAR i'll b late to my Funeral!) I told mom it felt like I was 18 again! & had 2 b home at 10:30(yeah I dont think I ever followed that rule! another reason why I moved out at 18 but thats a WHOLE other story) 

ANYWAY  I'm so Glad to have gotten out & HOPEFULLY will have a few more friends to talk to & go through this life with :) There IS a REASON GOD put me there & I believe nothing but good can come out of it ♥

Well the time change is tonight SO technically it is 11:52 & that is WAY past my bedtime! lol  SO now OFF to sleep maybe I'm just ready to go to EPIC on the morning :)

 

Sweet dreams! ♥ 

 

Another day to get through

Well tomorrow will mark one year since the day that Brian surprised me & Proposed. I know I shouldn't dwell on what is going on but it was a BIG deal for me! I was absolutely In LOVE with him! I still will Forever Love him too a part of him will always be  in my heart I truly believe everything happens for a reason & I know I have said this all before  I guess I just need to vent about it again...  I just though "this time everything  will be okay" & I've caught myself saying I know what I want but I really want what God wants in this relationship & guess what? He SURE told Me! lol  & so  did Brian It hurts so BAD BUT I know this  is what God wants & even if it is HARD for me to go through there has go to be as people have said to me something BIGGER & HUGER than I could EVER imagine at the end of my struggles Hopefully I'll look back even on this day & think how crazy I was to get so upset  it's kind of hard to believe right now though, next will be the day we had set for the wedding April 9, 2011  & then He will be leaving around May 28th I DREAD the day! I keep thinking how things will be I shouldnt though I should just do my best to leave EVERYTHING up to GOD but even though I want to It is hard to start in a way I want to read the bible I just dont know where to start at all I'm trying ot talk to more people & venture out a little more I went out with my sisters last sunday & we had a great time today Mak  & I talked to Leighanne Cherry the  Worshiop pastors wife she saw us at Bath & Body works shopping we needed some more hand soap & since Makenzy was such a good sport for giving up some of her stuffed animals I figured what better thing to go buy lol mama needs some retail therapy even though I know t doesnt work :(   the ONLY thing that will work is trusting God that everything will be okay I'm still so scared though I have NEVER taken time for ME & Makenzy I have always gone from one relationship to the next & this time I  DON"T even want to think about being with anyone other than Brian even though I know it can't be & he has already said it was okay for  me to move on I just dont want to I MISS him so MUCH & he is still here 15 min away but he's not MINE anymore I have to let go & i don't want to Is that so wrong? am I setting myself up for a harder time? when he does leave?                                                                                & then I get on here & read other peoples posts about their lives & their struggles & what I am going through is SO insignificant compared to what they are going through wether it be Cancer or Cystic Fibrosis or a child with Juvenile Arthritis or a Family trying to adopt from another country a customer came into work yesterday & their family is dealing with the loss of an infant the mother was in Labor & the Palcenta separated completely & the baby drowned before or during the  birth was going to be this mothers 3rd child..... My sister lost her first son Brody not even a month after we lost our Dad & it was Honestly the hardest Funeral I had ever been to I cant imagine all of the pain she went through or what all of these other people are going through on a day to day basis

 I'm sitting here listening to WAY.FM 88.1 online it is a North Alabama radio station & is all we ahve been listening to int he car I LOVE to hear Makenzy sitting in the car singing these songs! It makes me feel so GOOD!!!
some of the songs are
Let the Waters rise
Never alone
By your side
Blink
You can have me
The motions
 there is a song I am looking for the name of that played the other night on my way home I only heard it once so I dont have any words memorized lol




Well I guess this is the end of my rant for the night I'm SURE I'll be back tomorrow to tell you how my day went HOPEFULLY Makenzy & I will have something to do after work tomorrow night & wont have to come straight home Brian is going to be off camping I dint even think he realized tomorrow would be a year since he proposed I guess a Girl is more likely to remember everything though huh?


God Loves me he will never leave or Forsake me He is ALWAYS with me  Matt 28:20, Heb. 13:5


Why should I be depressed when I can recall to mind God' lovngkindness, compassion, faithfulness, and have HOPE? LAM. 3:21-23

Why shuld I worry & be upset when I can cast ALL my anxiety on Christ who cares for me? 1Peter 5:7

""From the 20 Cans of Success""




♥




 

The date has been set

Well the date has been set. Brian has plans to leave for Australia on May 28th of this year. It is so SOON! I'm getting more nervous as time goes on.  :(  & not too excited either. I took Makenzy to the counselor yesterday so she could talk to someone other than "us" about it & she wouldnt hardly say anything at all! I hate she is just like me! I did the same thing & I hope she'll change that!  I'm just glad we are able to talk to more peple about it We told our Life group Last tuesday about him leaving & on Friday he went & applied for his passport next he will apply for a Work Visa for Australia. Hopefully everything will go alright (even though I'm stillnot sure about him going) After that gets accepted he's off!  The reason he has set the date is Amber his sister graduates on the 26th & the Job he is going for leaves Perth the beginning of June for Broome & he needs to be trained & ready to go By September when they get to Broome. We have both been looking at things related to the culture & food & Banking UGH there is so much! lol  I told Makenzy maybe we could travel there to see him one day but who knows what God has in store for us. I Definately see Brian staying a part of our lives I cant imagine him not being a part of our lives ever. He is planning on coming back home next February to visit for the month *Hopefully* things will go as planned I'm REALLY trying my Best to rely on God through all of this & have been talking o more people at the Church through our Life Group & the Pastors Wife I Don't want to lose myslef in this & become depressed & I know as long as I dont want to do something I wont & as Long as I hold God close to me I wont either & I just keep thinking there is a reason I am going through this that everythign will work out the Way God wants it to & as Wendy told me the other day ther has got to be Something BIGGER & BETTER that God is settingus up for & I cant wait to see what it is!  This last week has been a little rough though I've had a sinus infection & those SUCK!! I took off work a day & 1/2 to rest & ended up in Makenzys room sitting in the floor cleaning up! We are trying ot make MORE change in this house too with Brian not being here & I want to Paint before he leaves int he livingroom & my bedroom HOPEFULLY we'll be able to get it done!  In Makenys room I have gotten 3 bags of stuffed animals & 3 bags of clothes ready to go somewhere & I took some things to Consignment yesterday to see if they could sell anything for us since I do NOT want ot do a yard sale I might as well just open my whole house to one though then I wouldnt have to clean as much! lol 

 Well I'm going to get ready for work now just thought I'd "catch up"  first! ♥

Rough Day

Well today I feel like CRAP!  I started feeling sick on Tuesday & I just kept going thinking i would b fine then Wed & I wen to work & needless I didnt do everything i needed to do SO today I stayed home & in Bed pretty much all day! except to go pick up Mak from school & cook myself some Breakfast/lunch at 1:00 I stayed up for maybe 1 1/2 hours & went back to bed  After I picked her up there was no way I could go back to sleep Knowing she would NOT be doing what she needed to at ALL SO I got up & Went & worked in her room a little WHO KNEW an 8 year old little girl could have a WHOLE trash bag full of stuff in her FLOOR!?!?! SO that is a Project we are working on right now along with all of the other change going on in our lives we are trying to get rid of the MESS! we just have TOO MUCH STUFF!! & a back bedroom full of just that STUFF we dont use...


                        SO besides everthing else going on Being sick SUCKS Brian stayed with me last night since Makenzy wasnt home & he knew I was not feeling any better either I just feel so much better when he stays with me Just to know he is here if I need him & I guess that has been the hardest thing about all of this he is not here. I asked him If he'd stay tonight & he said no & it just tears me up I want to be taken care of bc I dont feel good at all & since we are not "together" anymore he wont stay I miss him  so much I miss what WAS only a few weeks ago to me but longer for him when he loved me & cared about me I miss us being "together" even though we cant be.... We talked to our Life group on Tuesday night about what is going on & let them know Brian is leaving in a few months so it feels good to know I can talk to more people about everything now I guess I'm just scared to... I talked to Makenzy a little today she knew I was upset & crying she told me everything would be okay  she has been through SO MUCH already at 8 years old! she balances me out i guess you could say I just do not know what to do when she is not home I dont go anywhere this past monday & tuesday I went with Brian places I just dont know what to do I know he is doing more to separate himself & it just scares me to death the last 2 years has been all about "US" Brian Shawna & Makenzy he seems like he has everything laid out for himself now He knows what he wants to go & do & now here I am I just feel STUCK I know I have Mak & she always makes me feel better I can just get a hug or kiss &  know she is always here & I am meeting more people from Epic which is cool & am trying to read the Bible too I feel like this is the only thing that will help me get through all of this It hurts so bad! I HATE feeling like this I wish everything would just GO AWAY! & listening to all of the prayer requests at life group there are people going through worse things than I am with Family I feel like i shouldn't feel this way at all... It is easier to be on the side where you can say I'm done this doesnt work anymore I have done that before & now the tables are turned & I'm the one hurting UGH   I know I will get through this I know WE will get through this & God had truly given me the best Blessing to Have go through this with she is so light hearted with everything that is going on.... I gues that is all for tonight I'm goin got try & get some rest I dread work tomorrow (which I NEVER do)  Please PRAY ♥

Another Stormy night

Well tonight it is supposed to get rough (weather) I HATE storms! Never liked the thunder or lightning at ALL! well except for this one time when Daddy took us girls to Ohio & the lightning was blue & green & red it was AWESOME so thats the only time i like it you mention a Tornado & i'm going to be on edge till it stops raining & the clouds go AWAY!!  Today I talked to someone at work she asked the question When am I getting married... well..... I can't lie  SO I end up telling her that we are not getting married & have decided to be friends & he has made the decision to go to Australia bc he feels thats where God is telling him he needs to go & he has ALWAYS wanted to travel & of course I knew that but when we got together it just didnt work  in his plans. his plans were to be with Makenzy & I & we ended up engaged  THEN she came out with the whole ((if you love them let them go & if they come back it was meant to be)) thing & all I can think is I REALLY did not need or want to hear that right now I'm JUST now getting where I don't bust out in tears talking a little about it ( I told my Great grandmother Wed. & I got my mom to tell my grandparents since she was going to see them & Nana was going to pick up Makenzy from school on Wed I hated for Mak to say something & them not be prepared to talk to her about it) & then Yesterday I met my Uncle (dad's Brother) for lunch which was nice it has been a LONG time since we had time together too.  I wish Daddy was still here & wonder what he would say to me we werent very close but I do remember talking to him about my Ex husband one time I dont remember what about I think it was a Van daddy had given Mikey the money for & Mikey didnt deliver & Daddy told me to keep the money or something IDK it was a very long time ago. ANYWAY  WHY do we do that? why do we tell people to let go? & they may or may not come back? WHY have FALSE HOPE?  I really dont want to have that mentality at all It has been rough  to think of going from "Being in a Relationship" to being "Friends" But  I mean what does it Really take away? You have to be best friends with someone to get along  & be Married there is a saying I put on Pictures sometimes "After all these Years we're Still Best Friends" It's too cute :)  But you can be best friends & not be married I guess it is the whole Ok I'm going to spend the REST of my life with this person & now I'm not & we are going to be Best Friends so The only things we have taken away from our situation is the Intimacy & we do not "live" together 24/7 which in turn has taken away the arguments about the petty things Of course NOW after taking that HUGE step backwards you can see how PETTY some things were

Sometimes I think i'm too random I guess I just needed to get on here & write A bit One day I'll post this & n e one who wants to know what has been going on will read it if you get this far I'm sorry lol Just  little venting does me good If you want to call it venting ♥ One day I'm goint o get on here & think I was crazy to write/ type n e thing I have NEVER done this before or tried to document anything my life & just hope it will help me come out of my shell a little more. It is something when the Preachers wife even says i'm a Turtle lol (or have the turtle personality anyway :)  it's okay I like turtles :)   )

♥ me

The way we Began...

We met on Myspace & with a few crazy messages back & forth & him moving & not being able to log on to Myspace we talked on the phone (I still have Messages saved on my home answering machine of him singing & my cell phone how crazy am I? they make me laugh) & decided to meet on February 6th & go see a Movie He's just no that into you . Well A friend of mine was at the house & let him in she said her hello's & left when she left he started taking his clothes off saying he thought we would be more comfortable if we both got naked first NOT! as I stand there with my hands up in front of my eyes so I couldn't see anything (I SWEAR i did NOT look!) telling him he needed to put his clothes back on so we could go to the movie & he did & we got to leave he opened my car door for me & I'm thinking i"m crazy for getting in the car but leave anyway. we get to the theater & he tells me I can go first & i pay for my own ticket & he pays for his (yes crazy i know) & then he asks me if I want anything to drink Hello I just paid for my own ticket I'm not getting my own drink too so I say no & he gets himself some candy.. me? not happy he does comfort me in the movie though :) after the movie we went to a park where the picture was taken & shared our first kiss & about 2 weeks later He met my daughter Makenzy & they have been best friends since & so have he & I we have done so much together & gotten to take trips with his family & we took a trip to the Beach just the three of us

Not counting all of the other trips we have made locally On our 1 Year anniversary we had a Wedding to go to friends Brian & Aprel were getting Married so we made a whole day of it getting all dressed up Hair & Makeup & clothes we went out for lunch & then to the wedding then we picked up Makenzy & went out for Desert 3 months later on March 11, 2010 he Proposed & then the lease was up on his apartment so he moved in with Makenzy & I

Yep that picture is a story all it's own too we went to lunch at G's LOVE the food but don't go to the bathroom there lol It's a mom & Pop Soul food restraunt close to work so after I saw the ring & he asked the question all I could say was AT G'S? & of course said Yes this picture was captured by a friend of mine that joined us for lunch & my surprise proposal He had never been there to eat & thought it was like a more upscale restraunt because my co workers & I  would eat there a lot during lunch. But I was happy & goodness knows Makenzy was happy look at her face! oh & I was wearing my necklace & earrings he bought me for our anniversary too :)
 On October 19th we went & reserved the chapel for the wedding & we had the agreement we would start planning more after my Christmas rush at work was over in January ...we have always had times where we would disagree like everyone does it is just one of those times & he would tell me things that i did that would bother him & I HATE confrentation so much I cant even spell it right. then I worked 7 days a week to get through Christmas & i just kept ignoring everything that was going on lying to myself that everything was going to be okay & that nothing was wrong we would be fine & look where I am now...

This was Christmas Unforgettable because it SNOWED! & Brian left my lights on in my car so it wouldn't start lol thank goodness for battery chargers! :) & Thank goodness for a day off for me after working so much! this year was the FIRST time EVER i had to use bengay I hurt so bad some days it was hard for me to go up stairs & hurt to even walk after working so much I can say it was worth it when the OT pay kicked in but it really hurt our relationship we didn't get to see  each other much & this was my 4th Christmas at Olan Mills & this time i had a little more responsibility with 2 camera rooms & double the customers By the time we hit
new years he told me he didn't want to talk about us getting married or having kids on New years so needless to say that sucked...

Okay so we took Makenzy  out to the Space & rocket center before school started back & we had a good bit of fun together then we went out to Landry's to eat Lunch :)

 

This is why I think he's crazy he came up with the idea to build snowmen all over town & out the Epic T-shirts on them another memorable day for us though:)

 & These Pictures show how good Brian & Makenzy get along :) Best Friends & he's Captain Homework.
These were taken at the Chick Fil A Father Daughter Dinner they had & of course I went too :)













   January 20th he moved out or began to anyway.... Then on February 4th we had a Blow out to say the least & it was Horrible so by the time we got to our Anniversary 2-6-11 our 2 year anniversary I went to pieces when friends told us Happy anniversary & cried 1/2 way through church THAT is the day EVERYTHING changed IV talked about LYING  It was a strong service & he Dared everyone not to lie the following week  Have YOU ever REALLY tried it?   That night after Makenzy was in bed asleep Brian & I sat down on the couch & he told me that he did not Love me anymore that he had before but did not any more all I could do was sit there as he held me & Cry It has been one of the hardest moments I have ever gone through. Our next step was to go to the Preacher Iv & his Wife Bene' on Valentines day so we would have someone to talk to we pretty much just talk to each other I pretty much just talk to Brian & not really anyone else & haven't felt like I could REALLY talk to anyone else I am REALLY trying to tap into what God has given me I bought a Bible & bought another & gave it to Brian for Valentines day & he carries it everywhere with him. I am so glad he is Happy & am really trying to come to terms  to us just being Friends... also I found out on Valentines day that Brian wants to travel to Australia not really a HUGE shocker because he has always talked about traveling but since I thought our life goals were the same get married & be a family here it is hard to accept the thought of him leaving at the end of the summer ALL of this is hard right now I am Heartbroken that the person I LOVE does not love me & wants to be "just Friends" that today is the 20th & only 14 days ago I was engaged to marry this person I know everything happens for a reason  & GOD has a plan for my life & Makenzy's & Brian's & evidently it is not for us to be together it's just all hard to take in even 2 weeks later... Thats all for tonight ♥


 Well today was Presidents day & Mak had to go to school BUT we went & checked her out to spend some time together just the three of us  like we usually do & we went to Cahoot's in Hartselle to eat it is a very eclectic place to eat there are antiques all over the place & TONS of random stuff to see & take pictures of & while we were in downtown we took time to talk to Makenzy too about what was going on she's a VERY smart girl she knew things weren't prefect we would walk & talk a little & go inside a shop & look around we got to a bench & sat down for a few moments & I told her that we were not going to get married & she said she knew that we took a minute & cried together there on the bench just she & I & I told her everything would be okay While in downtown I bught us a sign to hang in the house that says PRAYER CHANGES THINGS not quite sure where we will put it yet buy we'll find it a place :) we have not told her that Brian is going to go to Australia yet just one thing at a time is all I can handle & I don't want to overwhelm her right now maybe it is just me I'm not ready to even think of letting go I can handle okay the not getting married part & the friends part because he IS my BEST FRIEND but the moving away in about 5 months is still a little much to take in right now    Makenzy mentioned this was the third time she has been through this & t makes me feel awful  her dad & I did not get along & got divorced when she was 4 & then I got in a rough relationship that was abusive mentally & some physically & we argued & it was NOT good for Makenzy to have been around & when I ended that relationship I ended ALL ties no contact whatsoever with her or me & to this day it has stayed that way & I plan to keep it that way & now she is 8 & is upset about not being a flower girl at my wedding lol  I told her what IV told me that there is someone out there for us it may not be in a week or in a month but they'll come around & she is worried about a step brother or sister that if when she is gone to her dads the other child will be with me & she wont get to see them lol oh to be so innocent again I told her I'm not looking for anyone & don't plan to for a while & she shouldn't worry about that happening we all know she wants to be an ONLY child & stay SPOILED because that is exactly what she is & to me it is okay as long as it is done in moderation :)

Goodness I have learned so much by us being together even my relationship with my daughter has strengthened so much by us being together even though he has no kids & I took his advise even if it got on my nerves that is deffinately  one good thing that came out of us being in a relationship he drove me crazy but I looked to him for guidance on what to do in a lot of situations that we have gone through with Makenzy & even her dad who to this day I still don't talk to unless he wants something that in itself is a whole other page/blog whatever you make of it

      The whole thing about us & DON'T LIE to anyone it hurts to tell the lie & it hurts to be lied to trust me I should know.... He says when he asked me to Marry him he loved me but now he doesnt &  I am doing my best to keep thinking & KNOWING that this is God's PLAN for us I have believed that God brought us together since we met & fell in love & now it is God's will for him to go on with his life & travel & God has other things planned for Makenzy & I & as long as I keep trying out this new found faith & showing Makenzy even through all of the tears everything will be okay because it is all God's plan for us. I am so thankful for our church family I know if i EVER need someone to talk to they will be there & so will my family & his family & that means so much especially right now ♥ Hopefully our story will impact someone elses life in a GOOD way I wouldn't wish the hurt & tears on anyone but one day I know I'll look back & be so glad God put us through this ♥  I will always Love Brian even if it is as Friends♥


OKAY  so now it is the day I have been waiting for THE LAST day of FEBRUARY 2011!! YAYY!! Maybe tomorrow I can go ahead a little more & move on a little I bought Makenzy a Bible & today Brian  I took our bibles to all be inscribed with our names Mine has my name & his has Makenzys name on it so he has named his bible Makenzy so he'll always have her with him :) & of course we put Maks name on hers now we just have to find a carrier we have not given it to her yet though but will soon.. Last tuesday Brian told our lifegroup that we have decided to be friends This week we will be able to tell them about his wanting to travel to Austrailia He told Makenzy about him going on Saturday so we can Finally talk to her about him leaving & not feel like we are hiding anything from her...